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Steve Bovée

Beauty tips for guys

Let's face it, guys are ugly. Ugly and disgusting. The male physiognomy is built for utility, not ornament, and as such is pretty horrible to look at. But that's OK. It is Nature's plan. Nature does not want guys to look pretty. However, society has now progressed--or regressed--to the point where the dictates of Nature can be disregarded. We have reached a state where male comeliness is regarded as a virtue, as desirable. A bizarre turn of affairs to be sure, but here we are. Actually, putting this burden on guys seems a bit unfair, rather like expecting a whale to dance the jitterbug, but fashion cares nothing for reason. We're stuck with it and better make the most of it.

One of the more cruel ironies of our time is the fact that women, who have no need of them, have dozens of beauty magazines; whereas men, who have every need of them, have none. There are no guides for men on this delicate subject. And believe me, gentlemen, if you go around asking for beauty advice, you are going to get some very peculiar looks. So, to save a lot of embarrassment and to fill a very pressing need, this column will try to offer a few clues to the mysteries of masculine pulchritude. Let's start with

Hair, the Crowning glory

Take a good, hard look in the mirror. Not at your face but at the top of your head. What do you see? A plush and vibrant pelt of hair, a hirsute carpet of manliness… or a couple of acres of skin, supporting a few sickly tufts and sprigs? If it is the latter, you, my friend, are going bald. Yes, BALD. A condition which strikes utmost terror into the male heart. Men who scorn death in battle quail before a receding hairline. Billions of dollars are spent on elixirs and compounds purported to make those sprigs flourish and grow. The really remarkable thing about this is, women don't care. Balditude does not bother women in the least. Some, indeed, find it downright fetching. So, if baldness be your lot in life, be proud of your shining scalp. Forget the rugs, weaves, transplants, spray-on gunk and the like. Bare that dome to the world. Some men, indeed, defiantly shave their skulls and buff them to a high gloss; although this might be leaning over a bit too far backwards. If you're black you can get away with it, maybe, but white guys end up looking like demented Nazi war criminals. Not an attractive look, even for Nazi-ettes. If you've got a fringe, leave it. Just keep telling yourself it's cute as the dickens.

On the other hand, if God has seen fit to grant you a full head of hair, you might as well use it. You have a host of styles to choose from. As a general rule, when it comes to hair-style, less is more. That is to say, you'd best steer clear of the bouffants, the Tastee-freeze do, the Seagull Swoop, the Marine Drill Instructor buzz-cut. Don't overdo the thing. Pretend you hair is the nest of a delicate and easily insulted bird. Leaving it alone is the safest course. Note: drinking vast quantities of cheap wine will ensure a healthy head of hair--take a good look at the next wino you see if you doubt the recipe. But is it worth it?

Your Forehead: Brains or Bone?

Homer had a noble brow. Shakespeare had a noble brow. Milton had a noble brow. But that pretty much completes the list. Everybody else just has a forehead. Unless your forehead is under an inch high or slopes back at a forty-five degree angle: then you have a problem. Prostheses are available for you chimps, but are not very satisfactory. They tend to lend a certain Frankenstein look to the wearer, and the putty and clay have a way of falling off at the worst possible moment. Put on a low-brim hat and keep it on at all times.

Make Your Eyebrows Debonair!

Eyebrows may be looked upon as the punctuation marks of the face. Does your face make a strong statement!, or does is sort of dribble off in an ellipsis… or raise a despondent question? Again, genetics deal the cards. It is not advisable to paint on fake eyebrows with ink; this sort of ruse is readily seen through. Likewise with glued-on balls of cotton, or woolly fishing lures. Transplants are an option, and we'll come back to them in a moment, but a word of caution if you choose that route: scalp hair, unlike true eyebrow hair, keeps growing and growing. This leads to weepy, Rapunzel-like cataracts of hair flowing down the face. The look is perhaps more feminine than most men would wish for.

The Eyes Have It

The eyes, they say, are the windows to the soul. Well, you don't want anybody mucking around in there, do you? I mean, your soul, if you're a typical guy, is filled with all sorts of rubbish--no telling what she might rake up. Far better to keep your soul out of public view. Dark glasses are the answer, the darker the better. This has the added advantage of covering up those tell-tale red, morning-after orbs--sure evidence of debauchery.

Your Nose can be Your Friend

For all its central location and prominence, the male snout is rather a disappointment. A distinguished nose is a rare find indeed. The standard-issue nose most of us are born with is nothing more than an unsightly knob of flesh, with no more character or allure than a peeled yam. There is really very little you can do with the thing, short of covering it with a red rubber ball, an option, sadly, only available to circus clowns. The wisest play is to simply not draw too much attention to it. To that end, it's a good idea to keep those stiff, broomstraw nose hairs well trimmed. Or, to return to the eyebrows-why not have your nasal quills transplanted up there, where they can do you some good?

Mouth and Chin: the Basics

A man's mouth is nothing more than a funnel into which one pours beer; its looks are not important. Teeth are another matter. Bad teeth can transform a merely ugly man into a transcendentally revolting one. If you can't afford a dentist, keep your mouth firmly shut. Come to think of it, that's a good plan at all times, even if you have a full set of ivory. As for chins, the fewer the better. If your chin is weak, wear the largest bow tie you can find and duck down behind it. If it is strong, make a point of jutting it out like Mussolini. That will make you look belligerent and stupid, which some women find irresistible. If your chin is dull as dishwater, you might consider growing a beard, which brings us to

Facial Hair, God's Practical Joke

There is nothing quite like facial hair as a means of expression. Consider your face as a blank canvas: your beard and mustache are the paint with which, in your creative hands, you may make a statement. The possibilities are limitless. Goatees, Elvis sideburns, Fu Manchus, whaler's beards, chestwarmers, soup-strainers, dirty stubble, Imperials, muttonchops, Hitler mustaches, Stalin mustaches-why, there is no end to the repulsiveness you can achieve, if you just use your imagination. Remember: it's your face-decorate it!

So concludes this very superficial survey of masculine adornment. If you follow these guidelines faithfully--using, of course, your own intuition and invention to bring forth the real, sassy you-rugged loveliness will be yours. True, you will be mocked and jeered at by men and scorned and shunned by women, but what price beauty?

Steve Bovee is a regular contributor to the Marquee. He writes, paints, acts and whatever else in Bisbee. - ed